by Jonnyboy on 13 years agoWhen playing Monopoly, the first choice you are faced with is which piece you wish to play with. To aid you in your decision, here is the official (unofficial) order of Monopoly piece greatness, from worst to best.
The boot is the worst Monopoly piece, dirty, old, dishevelled and smelly, the boot is the tramp of Monopoly, representing the gutter that most aspirant millionaires live in. While it is always funny to ask female players if they would rather be the old boot or the dog, you should use caution; larger ladies can inflict significant damage, especially if wearing high heels. If the boot is the only piece left, it may well be better to avoid playing Monopoly. The other players have only contempt for the boot, and any player unwise enough to use it.
Only slightly superior to the boot, the iron is the most boring Monopoly piece. While an iron may have been involved in building up a fortune, it is unlikely. The only way I can think of that an iron can help you get richer is by ironing flat your recently printed currency. Men, children and young women should avoid the iron. Older ladies may enjoy the comforting presence of housework during the cut and thrust high-pressure game of Monopoly, and so may be suited to the iron.
The last of the low status pieces, the dog is an acceptable piece for a woman, child or older gent. Steady, dependable and loyal, the dog possesses all the characteristics that prevent you becoming a millionaire and crushing your rivals. Perhaps if the piece was a modelled on a better sort of dog, maybe a Bulldog or Doberman, the piece would be better. However, a longhaired terrier is not an image to strike fear into your enemies.
Entering into the world of high status Monopoly pieces, we find the ship. Representing the mighty Ironclads of the industrial revolution, the ship has all the power of steel and commerce. What the ship lacks in style, it makes up for in sheer size, dwarfing the other pieces (if in fact they were to scale, which they aren’t – five of the pieces would have to be microscopic, and the ship would take up the whole box.). The ship is an excellent backup choice if the two best pieces have been bagsied already.
2) Sports car
The second greatest Monopoly piece, the sports car is often the first choice of people lacking in style, flair and ambition, such as small boys and advertising executives. Fast, sleek and powerful, the sports car is aspirational for everyone who longs to race down to Mayfair and then pass go, collecting 200 pounds. The sports car will almost always be the piece that you play with if you are the first person to be asked to play Monopoly, as the instigator of the game will have already claimed the greatest piece.
1) Top hat.
The top hat is the greatest and most high status monopoly piece. The only way they could introduce a swankier playing piece would be to use either a real Cuban cigar, or a monocle. With a sense of old money, business deals in smoky gentleman’s clubs and passing the port, the top hat is truly the chap’s piece of choice. Less flashy and unimaginative than the sports car, the top hat shows a grace and presence that elevates it above the noveu-riche sports car.
Hopefully this list will allow you to make educated choices the next time you play Monopoly, and remember – it’s better to not play than to be the boot.
by Jonnyboy on 13 years agoSongs about love can often be interpreted as songs about drugs. For the average rock star, falling in love with that special lady is very much like taking that first puff of crack on a cool winter’s morning, and vice versa. Here I present three examples of love/drug ambiguity, and a comedy example of ambiguity not involving drugs, in the hopes that you, gentle reader, will keep your ears open to future examples.
There She Goes – The Las
“There she goes, there she goes again, racing through my brain, and I just can’t contain, that feeling that remains…”
A point to the love side, this song opens up with lyrics that suggest a nice lady rather than a nice belt/syringe combo, however…
“There she blows, there she blows again, pulsing through my vein, and I just can’t contain, that feeling that remains…”
The second verse suggests that the lady in question is, in fact, sweet lady H. Clearly, this song, however it was originally intended, can be interpreted either way. Presumably when covered by the whimsical wuss-pop band, Sixpence None The Richer, it was intended merely as a love song.
Perfect Day – Lou Reed
What, at first listen (and presumably to the BBC) sounds like a straightforward love song takes on a darker edge with careful attention to the lyrics:
“Just a perfect day, you make me forget myself, make me feel like someone else, someone good.”
“You just keep me hanging on. You just keep me hanging on.”
This song is clearly ambiguous, although perhaps less obviously so than the previous song. Lou Reed’s description sounds more like addiction than any healthy form of love.
Beetlebum – Blur
“Beetlebum, get nothing done, you beetlebum, just get numb”
“I just slip away, and I am gone”
“Coz she’s your gun”
This song could be about an emotionally abusive relationship, but equally, it could be about heroin.
The link between love and addiction is well documented scientifically, with couples in love displaying the same characteristics as addicts and obsessive compulsives. The person in love is psychologically addicted to the other person, and will suffer withdrawal if kept away from the object of their affection. Rock stars, as fragile people prone to fall in love at the drop of a bra, and also to enjoy narcotics, are in a relatively privileged position when it comes to juxtaposing love and drugs.
Finally, the lighter side of ambiguity in song lyrics:
Growing On Me – The Darkness
“I can`t get rid of you, I don`t know what to do, I don`t even know who is growing on who, `Cos everywhere I go you`re there, Can`t get you out of my hair, Can`t pretend that I don`t care - it`s not fair”
“I wanna shake you off but you just won`t go, and you`re all over me but I don`t want anyone to know, that you`re attached to me, that`s how you`ve grown, won`t you leave me, leave me alone”
A touching love song about a persistent admirer and a reluctant admiree, or a comedy song about pubic lice? You be the judge.
by Jonnyboy on 13 years agoThis has to be one of the weirdest things that has ever been on TV. Documenting four "Real Doll" enthusiasts, it had a collection of absolutely textbook weirdos. The first guy was what I`d consider an oddball. He was in a long term relationship with his doll, and prefered "synthetic people" to real people. The second guy was your standard nerd, worked in I.T., 50 years old and never had a girlfriend, kept a shrine to his dead mum in his house, and had loads of model planes. He seemed really bitter that women weren`t interested in him, or his hobby of hang gliding prefering "some bloke with a pint in one hand and a fag in the other who watches soaps" to him "a real life superman". He blamed his appearance, which was perfectly ordinary, rather than accept that the problem was his flawed personality. He saw the dolls as a substitute for real women, and better than being alone. The third guy was obviously the sort of angry redneck loner who goes on a killing spree. He hated women for lying and using him, and saw himself as "God" of his dolls. Worryingly, he owned three guns, including one he referred to as "the poor man`s AK47". He also had a two-handed broadsword. He said that he relates to objects more than people. The final guy was a bit sinister - seemingly normal, but with eight dolls, that he used for sex. He introduced his dolls to his girlfriend and she dumped him a week later. Of the four, he was the only one who seemed to accept that the dolls weren`t actually quiet, motionless people you could interact with and have a relationship with. It seemed to me that all four lacked empathy with real people, living solipsistic lives where they had to be in control. It also appeared that the first three guys viewed real women as dolls that answered back. If these guys were for real, it was a chilling look in to the mind of the disturbed.
by Jonnyboy on 13 years agoI`ve recently seen an advert for Coca Cola, in which a vending machine is shown to contain a fantasy world of cute creatures who produce the bottle of Coke that you receive from the machine. This advert struck me as particularly incongruent with reality. In reality, Coca Cola Schweps is a soulless multinational selling carbonated, brown coloured sugar water to the idiot bovine masses, and making massive profits by working large numbers of indigenous workers in third-world countries to death. An accurate Coca Cola advert would show a fat, smelly, pre-pubescent Callum or Alesha putting money in the machine. The view would then switch to the inside, where a broken South American worker is slowly loading poison into bottles while being whipped by another South American. An anonymous man in a suit then pisses in the bottle while laughing hysterically and snorting cocaine from the back of a dead worker, while being wanked off into a huge pile of cash by an Albanian prostitute with dead, empty, tear-filled eyes. New slogan: Coca Cola - yes, we can piss and wank at the same time.
by Jonnyboy on 13 years agoHello readers. Today, I want to talk about porn. Otherwise known on the internet as pron. Red hot xxx sizzling sex action. Topless celebrities included. Often, the Daily Sport will entice readers in by offering topless photos of Charlotte Church or Britney Spears naked. It always turns out, however, that the story involves their anger at porn fakes, and features an "insider" claiming that the star is furious, and a link to the Daily Sport website that is hosting the fakes. I believe that this is an underhand tactic used simply to gain exposure. So, next time your eye is caught by an offer of "Scarlett Johansson in red hot xxx porn sex video", simply turn away and say no.
by Jonnyboy on 13 years agoAs my quarter century rapidly approaches, I feel the need to ponder the difficulty of organising a group of grown men to go on a night out. The night out is primarily hampered by the date - namely, smack bang in the middle of Freshers week. Now, I like a cowboy themed disco as much as the next straight man, but honestly... The vast influx of idiotic eighteen year olds experiencing the first flush of freedom away from the parental apron strings is likely to sell out every venue on campus. Since a midweek night out is a practical impossibility due to various commitments, we are left with a weekend night out in Norwich, without the comforting blanket of the fine city`s rockingest venue, The Waterfront. I have no desire to spend my birthday night out dressed like the organ grinder`s monkey while listening to handbag house and chart RnB (with the odd "comedy" rock song, obviously). Plus the Norwich chavs will be on the warpath due to the arrival of the aforementioned naive freshers, their virgin wallets brimming with the promise of that first student loan check. I`m sure we can sort out a proper night out for some stage in the future (David`s birthday, perhaps?) but for my birthday, I`ve resigned myself to spending it the way I almost always spend it; getting leathered with a couple of mates, or staying in. Maybe when I`m thirty...
by Jonnyboy on 13 years agoWell, the member blogs are finally up and running, allowing us all to post whatever meaningless drivel we want to. Now if only there was something I wanted to write about...Honestly, it`s one thing to be given a blog, but quite another to actually have content.